Awoke this morning to the damp Scottish Mmm-I-S-T... which does not do much for the hair that curls. I left Edinburgh upset that I should have had more time to spend here. My first appointment was.. wait for it, get this... white water rafting! Wahoo, my balls are going to get splashed. So, i arrived and was met by the team.... Thanks to Kevin for the invite!
Toby, my captain, is the nearest living ancestor to a Viking. Water is in this man's blood. Toby has the coolest beard, a bigger than life character and rivers and climbing are his life! He was born to be outside! I got suited and booted and got my training before being lowered into the river Tay… This is such a great way to see real Scotland and gave me a few moments to reflect on how beautiful this land is. This was my first time white water rafting and I was very excited... damp, but excited!!
Toby then explained the entire worst possible scenarios:
1. Raft capsizes
2. Lose a member of the crew.
3. Find your self under the boat.
4. Find your self caught in a rapid.
A quivering testicle was not the word. The bollock was getting wet no matter what the outcome!
I was scared now, and there are not too many things that giant testicles are frightened of:
1. A glancing blow of any kind!
2. Railings or any other Apparatus that could so happen to fall upon and cause 1.
3. A miss-swung stick or bat or ball at any kind!
4. A large zip
5. A flick or nudge to cause 1.
So, with that in mind me and the crew set off full paddle.. we soon learn the first lesson was to learn to trust your crew… I got wet! “Nowforwardtogether” boomed our Viking ancestor.
We pulled a wheelie where the raft pointed vertical! All the crew had to trust each other, and splash... this ball bag got wet. After several “nowforwardtogethers” we worked well as a crew and had loads of laughs! On the last rapid all, Toby our Viking ancestor's worst possible scenario came true!
My pubes are ruined!!
It was amazing and so much fun. Bit sore, very shrivelled and very very wet. Thanks to all the team at Splash and to Kevin for your love and support.
Then lucky me happened to get a lift to Glasgow from two of the lads that where rafting with us. And then a tired wet ball bag fell asleep, and the last thing I remember thinking was Wow, Scotland has great clouds! I was bollocksed so to speak… and felt slightly embarrassed when we arrived that Id slept nearly all the way! Thanks guys for he lift and please do get in touch…Mr Testicles feels bad :(
So a tired, and now damp, hairy nutsack arrived at Premier Inn Glasgow to real Scottish hospitality! Thanks to all the staff at Glasgow Motherwell Premier for all their love and support.
Now please dig deep, we need to raise serious money to help raise more awareness for male cancer. Please donate online or adopt me damp nuts!
Mr Testicles x